I've been in a weird place these last few months. I've been in a lot of weird places.
I've been in grief. I've been lost. I've been found. I've been lost again. I've been with friends. I've been alone. I've been searching. I've been looking, listening. Seeing. I've done a lot of seeing, and noticing. Observing is a good word. Cataloguing, saving. I've been happy, warm, humbled.
I've felt a lot too. Being in a place, and feeling something, I've learned, are two VERY different things. At my Nonno's funeral, I was IN shock. I was IN grief. I was in a state of sadness... but I didn't feel much. That, I know now, is why I felt compelled to raise money for The Scarborough Hospital Foundation in his memory. That's part of why I'm doing Tough Mudder to honour him. I've said it before, he probably wouldn't understand what Tough Mudder is if he was here, if I were to tell him at one of our family get togethers... but I think now, where he is, he gets it. When I organized the fundraiser lunch, with all the sweets and teas and painting, he wouldn't have understood it if he was still here, but where he is now, when I talk to him and ask for strength, or tell him I miss him, he hears me. He understands.
I've dealt with this before - as a kid. When I was 8, my Nannu died - that's grandad in Maltese. My mom lost her dad long before my dad lost his. It was different, I was sad, I was hurt, I was confused. But I didn't understand. I didn't bare the weight and guilt that adults feel when they lose someone. Kids feel loss differently. I spent so much time with Nannu as a kid, he and my Nanna took us everywhere, and yet, my most vivid memories of him only come from pictures or home videos. I do have one, of us standing at my front door, him standing there in shorts, socks pulled up high, in a collared dress shirt and sweater vest, with his pencil thin mustache and a toothpick hanging from his lip. Waiting. Waiting for me and my brother to get ready so he could drive us and Nanna somewhere - I don't remember where. They took us everywhere, they babysat me when my mom first went back to work, looked after me when my mom was giving birth to my brother, they were so present - but I don't remember him as much as I wish I did. Instead I remember my Nanna, and growing up with her, a strong independent lady who relearned how to drive when she was widowed at 60 so she could continue to explore and enjoy life. That's what I remember.
Anyway, the hard part about losing Nonno is the memories. Thinking of my wedding, dancing with him. Of growing up knowing he was sick, but strong. I can still hear his voice... I can't hear Nannu's. Both realities are sad. They were two very different men, but with like values. They both worked hard, they both loved their families. They both wanted the best for us. They both left behind families who love and miss them very much.
I'm rambling. But I'm learning sometimes it's better to ramble. To rant. To get it all out there. Swimming in these thoughts in my head, alone, isn't always the healthiest thing to do. Yes, sometimes I need my quiet, and even here, writing/typing it all out but not really sharing with anyone in particular... it's not the same as tugging on the sleeve of Mum, or Hubby or Bestie and saying, hey, I need to talk... but this works for me. In it's own way this works for me.
I'm gonna jump here, because I got off topic - sort of.
Honestly, I'm self editing here - I've finished writing this entry and realized - we're lacking some fluidity here, go back and contextualize for a second. When I write these, I don't know what I'm gonna write, I just write. I let it all out - sometimes I'm surprised at what spills out, but it's all valid, it's all necessary, it's all me. So it may not connect right away, but it all makes sense in my head - bare with me. On to the next thought:
Last night Michael, hubby dearest, described me in a way I knew was true, but made me think in a way I hadn't really before. We were talking about the future, about family, about kids. I expressed my excitement to one day be a mom, to have a little human call me mommy. I said I know our reality now isn't ready for that, but that it's something I've always wanted very much. He said "Marina, your personality, the kind of person you are, you want to serve, to care for people. You want to mother and nurture, it's who you are".
That's the meat of the conversation there - there was more but it's not what's relevant. What's relevant is his perception of me. It's true. I am that way. And THAT's why I'm not one to tug on someone's sleeve and ask for help. I'm more one to be tugged on, in fact I rarely wait to be asked, I'm jumping in to offer help and guidance and support before people even realize they need it.
That's just me.
It's not bad.
It's not wrong.
It's just me.
There's more to me than being the helper, the protagonist, the hero. There's the needy me. The praise-seeking me. The clingy me. There's independent me, strong me. Self-sufficient me. But there isn't a "I am the only one who matters" me. I'm ok with that. But I've learned with my increased self-awareness lately that, though I'm not the only one who matters, I do matter.
I'm important.
I deserve.
I am worthy.
Some people look at these ideas, and think wow, that sounds selfish. That's how I looked at it.
There's a difference though, between selfish, and self-love.
Self-love.
hoo. (that's a big ol' exhale right there - not a sigh, sigh's to me are helpless, pitying, that's not what that "hoo" is. just an exhale.)
Exhale the bad out.
Inhale the good.
I accept. I embrace. I am strong. I am bold. I am loved. I can do this.
I'm still training myself to make these mantras a habit. A reality. I believe in their purpose, in their significance. I am still working on applying them to myself. In saying them out loud and BELIEVING them. Not with my brain, with my heart. Well, with both I guess.
Yoga is helping.
I'm not going to go too far into this again but Yoga, specifically Yoga Camp care of Yoga with Adriene has helped immensely. If you're reading this and going - I want this for me - go. Go to the link. Go to her page. Do the camp. It's all you. Seriously it's all on youtube. No driving to class, no fees, no excuses. Do it at home, do it in the park, in your backyard. Find a spot, tune out the world, and get acquainted with Adriene, and with yourself.
Anyway.
Yoga is helping. Even if it's only 20 minutes. It grounds me, it helps me remind myself of my intentions for the day. People question why I wake up at 530 "just to do yoga". It's not just to do yoga. It's not a fitness craze. It's to anchor myself. In fact, the whole concept of anchoring myself didn't even come from Adriene or her yoga videos. It came from following The Rock on instagram.
Yes.
The Rock.
Dwayne "Can you smell what The Rock is cookin" Johnson.
On Instagram.
Celebrities are super humans. Some of them anyway. I am very selective and methodical in my choices of who to follow. To be inspired. Not jealous. Inspired.
He wakes up at 4:00 am to anchor himself before his crazy day ahead. His crazy is much different than ours. We think getting up, making breakfast for ourselves, and driving ourselves to work is crazy. He wakes up, works out, and typically has a list of 10 or 12 things to get through before hitting the hay (sometimes for only a few short hours). And most days those 10 or 12 things span across several states, or even countries.
Shit, right?
Suddenly making breakfast for myself doesn't seem that hard.
One day The good ol' Rock posted about his anchor. His gym. For some people its yoga with their pets, and for others its pumping iron. While some just need coffee and contemplation (I just watched Stranger Things ok - you're welcome if you get the reference, if not, just accept it as someone's anchor)
Back to the point: The Rock. Anchor. Grounding. Important.
You know what, I just googled "Rock, instagram, anchor" and I found it under "Rock Shares Inspirational Instagram Post". Perfect.
"You always want to protect the thing that allows you to do what you do. In this case, my "thing" to protect is my training. Regardless of what time zone I'm in, or getting pulled in a thousand different directions or how little sleep I've gotten - I'll always find a way to train, get after it and push thru. Training is my anchor - it centres me and allows me to then work a full 12-14 day of business. Find your anchor. Protect your anchor. And always clean up your own sweat 😉. #CentralIntelligence #WorldPressTour #3Countries #In3Days #GERMANY #OurAnchor"
How can you not be inspired by that?
Anchor yourself.
Find what matters.
Do it.
Do it.
Do we get it? Do we understand? What's an anchor.
Something you drop off a boat to keep you from floating away.
What are we trying to avoid floating away from?
What are we trying to avoid floating away from?
Ourselves.
Yourself.
Myself.
AIYYOOO
EUREKA
AHA!
THERE IT IS!
EUREKA
AHA!
THERE IT IS!
I'm not crazy I swear. I type how I think ok? But seriously, that's what it is and when I realized that I had the same aha moment, reading an Instagram post by The Rock on my lunch break in my car sipping an Iced Cap.
I was already doing the occasional yoga video, and it took me awhile to finally slap myself (figuratively, not literally, self-love remember?), and just say OK I NEED TO DO THIS NOW, on the regs, every day.
I was already doing the occasional yoga video, and it took me awhile to finally slap myself (figuratively, not literally, self-love remember?), and just say OK I NEED TO DO THIS NOW, on the regs, every day.
When I got to day 6 of yoga camp, and felt like maybe I'd skip a day, something inside my churned, it twisted and knotted and said NOOOO.
That's when I knew. I knew I needed it . I needed my anchor. I was floating away and I needed to come back to me. It's not that I need to stretch or I need to breath... that wasn't the thought. The thought, the mentality was :
I need to do this because this is something I do for me.
And when a personality type is as focused on everyone else as I am - that's a HUGE breakthrough to have. Realizing: "Shit, doing something just for myself is important too". It's a big deal.
It's helped me identify the weird places I've been. It's helping my exercise self-awareness. Anchoring my day and setting an intention, a purpose, even if it's just "I will have a good day today", is helping me bring things into clear focus. I have a lot to work on still, a lot of self-bettering to do... but I'm proud of the fact that I've made it as far as I have.
I don't know if it's Nonno passing away, or signing up for Tough Mudder, or starting a new job, or breaking my hand. I don't know what sparked this intense desire to be me. But something did. These new perspectives, new lights shining into spaces I didn't know existed before...They sparked and caught and even if it's the littlest of flame right now, I'm adding to it each day. Little by little I find out more about myself, accept more about myself... like kindling.
So in nine days, when I cross the finish line at Tough Mudder, the journey isn't over.
That's when I knew. I knew I needed it . I needed my anchor. I was floating away and I needed to come back to me. It's not that I need to stretch or I need to breath... that wasn't the thought. The thought, the mentality was :
I need to do this because this is something I do for me.
And when a personality type is as focused on everyone else as I am - that's a HUGE breakthrough to have. Realizing: "Shit, doing something just for myself is important too". It's a big deal.
It's helped me identify the weird places I've been. It's helping my exercise self-awareness. Anchoring my day and setting an intention, a purpose, even if it's just "I will have a good day today", is helping me bring things into clear focus. I have a lot to work on still, a lot of self-bettering to do... but I'm proud of the fact that I've made it as far as I have.
I don't know if it's Nonno passing away, or signing up for Tough Mudder, or starting a new job, or breaking my hand. I don't know what sparked this intense desire to be me. But something did. These new perspectives, new lights shining into spaces I didn't know existed before...They sparked and caught and even if it's the littlest of flame right now, I'm adding to it each day. Little by little I find out more about myself, accept more about myself... like kindling.
So in nine days, when I cross the finish line at Tough Mudder, the journey isn't over.
This is just the beginning.
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